How to Drive in Canada’s Third Largest City

I’ve lived in Vancouver for 6 or 7 months now and still consider myself a new Vancouverite.  I also consider myself a decently laid-back, positive human being.  Very few things get me overly rattled, upset or angry.  I swear rarely and usually I’m good at keeping calm and going with the flow.
Unfortunately for me, one of the biggest (and most unavoidable) differences between living in a city of less than 1 million people and living in a city 4 times that size, happens to be one of the few things with the ability to get me extremely heated.  And I mean ANGRY heated, not sexy heated.

9902823That thing is traffic.

So from my own awesome experiences of driving in the city with the worst road congestion in Canada, I’ve made a list.  Because that’s what I do.

How to drive in VanCity:

    •   Forget about blinkers.  Those don’t mean shit now.  You might as well just break the signal arm right off.  Throw it.  Why should you have to tell anyone else what direction you’re going to forcefully propel your heavy metal driving machine full of flammable liquids? It’s none of their business.
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    • Remember: Your time is exponentially more valuable than anyone else’s on the road.  So drive in a way that fucking shows it.
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    • It’s always good to know how to properly formulate deep penetrating insults, should you get in a shouting match with another driver or a pedestrian, which is way more likely.  ( I have a whole thing about pedestrians just wait for it. )  ‘ Adjective – vulgar word – noun ‘ usually does the trick.  Don’t be afraid to get creative, if its good enough it’ll haunt them for years.  See chart below.

      from Reddit
      from Reddit


    • Highway 1 during rush hour = parking lot
      Highway 1 all other times = autobahn
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    • Avoid rush hour like the plague.  Not a joke.  This shit will literally make you Dave Grohl in the video for “Walk”.  Which might actually get you home faster but is still an expensive and irrational move.  But you’ll still make that move because you’re not thinking clearly due to breathing in pure exhaust fumes and cigarette smoke for the last hour.
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    • So far I’ve gathered that diamond lanes are for buses, sometimes motorcycles, people with passengers and assholes? Is that right?
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    • It makes me angry even writing about this next one.
      Pedestrians.
      These idiots are gonna run onto the streets, cross wherever they fucking feel, friggin’ slalom in between cars stopped at reds and everything short of having  a picnic on your hood.  This is 3 times worse anywhere near a beach and ESPECIALLY down East Hastings.  One time on Hastings I saw a guy so high on meth that he skateboarded into the front of an oncoming Eurovan and tried to walk away with a broken leg. Yeah. Meth: not even once.

 

    • Cyclists are a whole other thing, I could write a whole article on specifically them.  They’re gonna do whatever the f they want with complete disregard for road traffic food chain so just try not to hit them, I guess.
    • All lights more like guidelines. Greens are green. Flashing greens are also green. Yellows are greener. Reds are redish.

 
Traffic aside, Vancouver is a great city with lots to see and tons to do. This place has become my home over the last half year and I cant imagine living anywhere else. If I drove a helicopter, monster truck or a flying dragon it would be perfect.

How to Drive in Canada’s Third Largest City